subconscious.

Currently, im reading this book titled, purpose driven life by rick warren. The book is really insightful, inspiring yet consoling. I've read to this section about being formed for God's family. Basically, what i've read is mostly about restoring, how do you nurture or maintain and understand friends and friendships.

And this reminds me about my friendship or fellowship with people outside church and inside churc. Subconsciously, i think i'm losing some friendships or rather, looking at it in a different angle, i've become distant from some of my friends that i would consider them as close to me before. I've heard from many and even read from the bible that God places people in our lives for a reason and sometimes they're just going to be there for only a season and then they are gone. I guess that's one of the reason.

But there's another.

The second reason is rather complicated because as i'm typing out this entry, i'm finding it difficult to put it into words and i'll say that the second reason is rather negative and unhealthy. I think this stigma is all about me, myself.

I dont understand why im acting in this manner but i think i am insecure, and somehow i'm either over-sensitive or just insensitive towards people's feelings. I guess that above all of these unstable behaviour, it wraps around one word, apprehension.

Somehow, i'm apprehensive and fearful, sometimes i feel so intimidated and i think i do suffer from inferior complexity. All these started ever since i received my O level results and now i'm beginning to feel the awkwardness about myself and that's why i'm typing out this entry to relieve myself from these burdens, hopefully by doing this, it would assist me in regaining back my usual self again.

When i received my O level results, i was so shattered, everything just tumbled down and fall out of place, my pride, my dreams. Everything was just crushed into smittens. I cried but that did not help to loosen up myself. For the first time in my life, i felt so lost and so hopeless. I cried out to God and asked him why would such a tragedy happen to me, what is this all about? And he replied, everything happens for a reason and My plans are made for you to prosper and not to harm you.

Admittedly, i don't really understand His plans, perhaps i did not pray hard or fervently enough to reveal to me His plans and will for my life.

I knew I would feel terrible for the next couple of weeks and i thought after those few weeks, the side effects will gradually rubbed off slowly, but seems like it didn't. I think i do understand why it didn't rubbed off. I think it's because i'm still clinging on to the fact that i failed, failed in hitting my expectations and also clinging on to my arrogant pride.

It didn't occur to me that how i would feel inside would subtly be revealed through my interactions with people but i realise that all i was trying to put up was a brave front and i'm not being, as the usual slogans, 'don't worry, be happy' or 'be cool'.

It didn't occur to me that such negativity such as being too prideful would grow and slowly be transformed to apprehension, which in fact its the opposite of the latter!

I think at the start of the entry i've mentioned that i'd be writing this entry as an entry of out pouring for relieve but as i progress with this entry, i would like to add a few more 'objectives' to this entry. I would say that this entry would be an entry of surrendering all these problems and burdens to God, be luculent and just allow him to do the best in my life. This entry is also entry to remind and to tell myself that i should stop trying to run away or hide myself in a turtle shell, where nobody would be able to know how i'd feel and just let all these go...

Now, i'm beginning to see that pride is not something that would pull you through things instead, it is humility and modesty.

Due to this apprehension, i've realise that i've lost some parts of communication with people and if i'm not wrong, i've the tendency of oscillating from one mood to another subconsciously. I know these are bad and I've to let go. (So God, take these and rid me off all the bad thoughts away from me)

It is true that when Satan finds out your vulnerabilities and weakness he will attack you with them and i believe i've been under his spell and mercy. I'm not going to allow him to continue his delusion and deceit about me and i'm just going to cling on to God and know that no matter what i've won.

At this very point of time, i've decided to throw down my crowns before God and just tear off that old and broken robe and put on a new one to start anew again. I want to tell all my friends that what i've done or not done or whatever that is, I apologise, I'm sorry, because almost everything was subconscious.